Definitions of Some Very Loaded Latin Terms for the
Second Grade as They Apply to the 21st Century
With a Quick Historical Overview
by
Maureen Spears MT (ASCP)
as told to her by Monty Python
who got it on good authority from God
Narrator: In the beginning was the word. And the word was with God and the word was God. And since God made man in his own image, man was given the ability to create. Ever after, man has had the dubious task of distinguishing between the word of God and the clever imitation. It is for this reason that some clever and creative medieval scholars invented two Latin words:
Quia: QUIA!
Narrator: And . . .
Quat: QUATENUS!
Narrator: Is Quia applied to people who pursue alternative life styles?
(Quia hangs his wrist and sways his hips) .
Quia: NO! (Straightens up) Quia means that the word is authoritative because it is the correct exposition of the doctrine of scripture. It is genuine, pure, unadulterated, 100% natural with no artificial colors or flavoring. It's the real thing, Baby.
Narrator: Is Quatenus tennis on four courts or the next upgrade for your Apple personal computer?
Quat: NO! Quatenus means that the word is authoritative only in so far as it agrees with what is taught. The word is a mere representative of God and is bound to an individual's own unique experience. It is subject to change, void where prohibited and non-applicable in the States of New York, California and in the cities of Los Vegas, Nevada, and Little Rock, Arkansas.
Narrator: Although these rather stuffy sounding Latin words were derived in the 1800's, their very different stances have spawned endless struggles throughout the ages. Their argument broke the serene peace in Eden:
Quat: (Wrapped in Green) Say, Eve! What did God say about that tree in the middle of the garden?
Quia: Why, Hello ugly slimy green thing! Just where were you during Freshman orientation? God said we could never eat of the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil for if we do, we will die!
Quat: Oh, come on . . . did he really say that? He would never kill his creation! He's a very reasonable guy. One little bite won't hurt you!
Narrator: And so, Eve ate and being a good wife, fed her husband. And they became dead to their spiritual selves and were kicked out of Eden, and the world as they knew it ended leaving them in a fat, ugly, dirty world where they had to pay their own rent.
(Quia and Quatenus change into head dresses)
They were with Abraham and Sarah in the desert . . .
Quia: Sarah, the good Lord said that you will have a child! A Son for a great nation will be born.
Quat: He didn't literally mean that, did he? You don't believe that this 95-year old body will actually make it through labor, do you? Besides, who wants the stretch marks? Maybe God meant that you would have the son but that the Mother would be someone else! That girl, Haggai is pretty and young . . . maybe she should be the mother.
Narrator: And so Haggai knew Abraham and she bore a son who did in fact become the father of a great nation--the Arab nation. Suddenly the Jews had a rival for their land. There was war, exile, re-patriation, ex-patriation, negotiation over the Jordan and Golan Heights, massacres, suicidal stand-offs . . .
Quat: All right, all right! We get the Point!
Quia: Way to go, Quatenus!
Quat: Now, wait a minute! Am I so wrong to question some of the vague passages in the Bible? What's so bad about questioning?
Quia: It's not the questioning that's bad, it's straying from God's law!
Quat: Oh, La-tee-Da..! Who died and made you King! Do you presume to know the mind of God?
Quia: Not exactly. But God's word and will are represented in the Bible.
Quat: Which was written by man and therefore subject to his interpretation and mistranslation before the word reaches the page.
Quia: God told the people what to write. The prophets and scribes took pride in writing word for word what God proclaimed.
Quat: God made me in his image. He made my mind think this way. My mind questions vague passages. Is it wrong to question? God gave us all that ability! So why are you making me the bad guy? (To Quia) Look, your not perfect, you know! You try living with him! You're difficult and exacting!
Quia: Moi? Difficult?
Quat: Look he's human...He can't be right all the time! Don't you have scripture to show that?
Narrator: Wait for it... In the spirit of Political Correctness, we acknowledge the freedom of thought and expression and the right to equal time. Note the following passages from the Gospel of John: Now the scribes and the pharisees brought a woman to Jesus and said:
Quia: Teacher, this Woman was caught in the act of committing adultery. Now Moses has commanded us in the Law to stone such creatures, but what do you say?
Narrator: They said this to test him, in order to get a charge against him. Jesus stooped down, and began to write with his finger on the ground, but as they persisted with their question, he raised himself and said to them:
Quat: Let the innocent among you throw the first stone at her!
Narrator: And they went away from him one by one until he was alone with the woman. One Sabbath it happened that as he was crossing the cornfields his disciples pulled some ears of corn and ate them, rubbing them in their hands. And some of the Pharisees said:
Quia: Why are you doing what is not allowed on the Sabbath?
Narrator: And Jesus answered:
Quat: And have you never read what David did when he and his men were hungry? He went into the house of God and took loaves of the Holy Bread and ate them, giving them to his men as well--bread that no one is allowed to eat except the priests. The Son of man is Lord even over the Sabbath.
Narrator: Some witnesses to Lazarus' resurrection went off to the Pharisees and told them what Jesus had done whereupon the high priest called a meeting of the Sanhedrin.
Quia: The fellow is performing a number of Signs. If we let him alone like this, everybody will believe in him and the Romans will come and suppress our Holy Place and our nation.
Narrator: But Caiaphas, the high priest for the year said
Quia: You know nothing about it--you do not understand it is in your own interest that one man should die for the People instead of the whole nation being destroyed.
Narrator: And being the High Priest for that year, his words were considered a prophecy that Jesus should die.
Quat: So my way of thinking got Adam and Eve kicked out of the Garden of Eden, but his way of thinking got Christ killed!!
Quia: Now wait a minute here! You only believe that Jesus exists when it suits you. Didn't I hear you say in the 1960's that Jesus was a fable?
Quat: Well, yes....
Quia: So you just accused my way of thinking of killing a non-existent allegory!
Quat: Well, I don't think he's a fable, anymore.
Quia: That's a relief.
Quat: ...now I think he's more of a self actualized person who is a leader of a set of belief systems, sort of a generic messiah....
Narrator: I'm confused.
Quia: Well, let's just hang loose with every gust of blowing wind, shall we?
Quat: HAH! At least I don't believe that the world was actually created in seven days.
Quia: Six! It was created in six twenty-four hour days!
Narrator: Look, guys...we're getting into material from last conference.
Quia/Quat:Sorry!
Narrator: So, how does all this relate to the confessional writings? What is the danger of applying Quia to the writings?
Quat: That's easy! They could become elevated to Biblical status! Are they part of the Old or New Testament? Should we rightly call them merely Biblical commentary or should we amend the Bible to include all the books according to St.Martin Luther?
Quia: No! That was not the intention! Although they are not Holy Scripture, nonetheless the confessions point to Christ and the Holy Scripture alone!
Narrator: What if the Quatenus way of thought were applied to the confessions?
Quia: Well, that's anyone's guess! Yesterday they were pointing to Jupiter, today they could interpret be pointing to scripture, tomorrow they could be pointing to the New Age....you know, however the Gospel is defined for that day. As constant as, say, the stock market. Say, Quatenus.
Quat: What?
Quia: Do you channel surf much?
Quat: Oh, Ha-Ha! Very funny. Look, God meets his people at their level.
Quia: But God's Truth never changes.
Quat: Yes, that is true...God's Truth never changes. Don't you see, I'm just trying to save the scripture and the confessions from a hard legalistic stance.
Quia: And I am trying to save it from Gospel Reductionism.
Narrator: You mean you guys are looking out for each other's best interest? You mean you guys actually care for each other? You actually like each other? How sweet!
Quia: Only in a Manly way, of course!
Quatenus: Now who has the alternative life style!
Quia: Why you bleeding-heart! How dare you imply that
Narrator: Say, guys?
Quatenus: You can dish it out but you can't take it, you stiff-necked, stick in the mud...
Narrator: Whoa, guys? This isn't Cross-fire....
Quia: Why, I ought to come over there and--
Quatenus: The nerve! I never!
Narrator: YO! GUYS!
(Dead Silence. The Narrator pants): It sounds like we had better stop right now or these two will be arguing all night. With these arguments in mind, we hope you, the audience, will cast aside your hard-nosed lawyer stances, empower your jelly-fished spined opinions and get to know your inner Quia and Quatenus!
THE END